The issue of Contact (raised in pt1 below) is obviously very emotive... I will be honest and say that this was the biggest area that 'worried' us from the time of the information evening back in Early Summer up until now. You suddenly become very possessive over something that you haven't even got yet and your human nature of wanting to turn around to birth parents and say 'you broke them, we're trying to fix them and do what you couldn't so why the hell should you have ANYTHING to do with them' is pretty understandable (if a somewhat unflattering use of words).
Being honest again, we felt a little like this when we started out on Wednesday.
I think now though we feel somewhat different... and i think the main reason you feel different is because in a couple of the exercises we did you get to see things, if not exactly from the Birth Parents perspective, then at least as a fly on a wall in their lives.
While the cases in the exercises are fictional scenarios, they are based on truth... how someone who possibly had been in the care system themselves, or maybe on the fringes of it, or just unlucky in childhood can end up in situations, often the same situations that their parents had been in, suddenly seems so easy... plus also how those situations can spiral out of control without being realised.
Probably the saddest thing I heard over the three days was that at least two seperate care workers actually said that they have either dealt with or are now dealing with the children of cases they dealt with 20-25 years ago, which is both shocking and heart breaking in equal measure... Plus it is a shameful indictment of our society (PLEASE don't get me started on the politics of it all or we will be here for days!!!).
I don't think that you pity the Birth Family as such, but you do develop a level of empathy, which i realise to someone outside of this soap opera may seem strange. In a lot of cases they are not bad people, they have just been victims of unfortunate circumstances, which often are not of their making or that they have control over. The really sad part for them is that in almost all cases they will probably never get 100% out of them.
So, to answer the questions from the previous blog, while we don't know how we would feel about a face to face meeting (which would only be a situation if the circumstances were acceptable, so no abuse etc) the rest we are much more comfortable with than we were. The ironic thing is that the hearsay has told us that often it's the Birth Families who, even after agreeing to the face to face meeting, don't bother turning up!!!
You could of course avoid all these issues by simply not mentioning anything about being adopted at all (if the child is young enough) and i am sure that for some couple the 'ignorance is bliss' route must be tempting... wrong, but tempting none the less (we were even told that a long, long time ago this was actually the advice given to adoptive parents!!!)
On to more happier things... once matched, one thing that helps both the adopters and, if they are old enough, the child, are what are called Life Story books. For us these would be a series of reports etc about the child and possible something from the child itself. For the child, they get a book that tries to explain about their 'Tummy Mummy', explaining adoption in as simple a way as possible and to help to introduce the new parents. Us, as adoptive parents, would also help with this with words and pictures perhaps about their new home, their bedroom, the swings in the local park and of course not forgetting Mr Tippz and our two cats... and our birds... and the fish...
After the mind games of Contact issues came the chance to meet two real-life adopters. This was like a release valve going off as after 2½ days of what at times was heavy going was just great to hear all their stories.
Confession time - it was during these chats that it was my time to almost get all gushy when one of the ladies explaining the matching process said 'i read the profile and then looked at a photo of this child lying down on their elbows, head resting in their hands and I just knew they were the one'... i think the longing to have that feeling myself was just one emotion too much for me after such an intense few days (plus my eyes had been prickly and sore all morning etc etc etc).
Being boring for a second, i actually feel this training has raised some serious points... the most basic of which is that all five of us actually felt more qualified to raise children now than none adoptive parents awaiting their first child. I don't mean that to sound pompous in anyway, and i will try to explain more in future.
In summary, the workers were fantastic, not the ogres that they are often made out to be on TV or in the media, and they helped us all on every level. None of us had any complaints and we all walked out of there after three days with heads high, ready to take on the world.
To my new friends, if you happen to stumble upon this, we wish you all the luck in the world in getting what you ultimately want, and know that like us you'll get some things wrong, but that you will make brilliant, loving parents...
NQTZ6W9QPSPC
Being honest again, we felt a little like this when we started out on Wednesday.
I think now though we feel somewhat different... and i think the main reason you feel different is because in a couple of the exercises we did you get to see things, if not exactly from the Birth Parents perspective, then at least as a fly on a wall in their lives.
While the cases in the exercises are fictional scenarios, they are based on truth... how someone who possibly had been in the care system themselves, or maybe on the fringes of it, or just unlucky in childhood can end up in situations, often the same situations that their parents had been in, suddenly seems so easy... plus also how those situations can spiral out of control without being realised.
Probably the saddest thing I heard over the three days was that at least two seperate care workers actually said that they have either dealt with or are now dealing with the children of cases they dealt with 20-25 years ago, which is both shocking and heart breaking in equal measure... Plus it is a shameful indictment of our society (PLEASE don't get me started on the politics of it all or we will be here for days!!!).
I don't think that you pity the Birth Family as such, but you do develop a level of empathy, which i realise to someone outside of this soap opera may seem strange. In a lot of cases they are not bad people, they have just been victims of unfortunate circumstances, which often are not of their making or that they have control over. The really sad part for them is that in almost all cases they will probably never get 100% out of them.
So, to answer the questions from the previous blog, while we don't know how we would feel about a face to face meeting (which would only be a situation if the circumstances were acceptable, so no abuse etc) the rest we are much more comfortable with than we were. The ironic thing is that the hearsay has told us that often it's the Birth Families who, even after agreeing to the face to face meeting, don't bother turning up!!!
You could of course avoid all these issues by simply not mentioning anything about being adopted at all (if the child is young enough) and i am sure that for some couple the 'ignorance is bliss' route must be tempting... wrong, but tempting none the less (we were even told that a long, long time ago this was actually the advice given to adoptive parents!!!)
On to more happier things... once matched, one thing that helps both the adopters and, if they are old enough, the child, are what are called Life Story books. For us these would be a series of reports etc about the child and possible something from the child itself. For the child, they get a book that tries to explain about their 'Tummy Mummy', explaining adoption in as simple a way as possible and to help to introduce the new parents. Us, as adoptive parents, would also help with this with words and pictures perhaps about their new home, their bedroom, the swings in the local park and of course not forgetting Mr Tippz and our two cats... and our birds... and the fish...
After the mind games of Contact issues came the chance to meet two real-life adopters. This was like a release valve going off as after 2½ days of what at times was heavy going was just great to hear all their stories.
Confession time - it was during these chats that it was my time to almost get all gushy when one of the ladies explaining the matching process said 'i read the profile and then looked at a photo of this child lying down on their elbows, head resting in their hands and I just knew they were the one'... i think the longing to have that feeling myself was just one emotion too much for me after such an intense few days (plus my eyes had been prickly and sore all morning etc etc etc).
Being boring for a second, i actually feel this training has raised some serious points... the most basic of which is that all five of us actually felt more qualified to raise children now than none adoptive parents awaiting their first child. I don't mean that to sound pompous in anyway, and i will try to explain more in future.
In summary, the workers were fantastic, not the ogres that they are often made out to be on TV or in the media, and they helped us all on every level. None of us had any complaints and we all walked out of there after three days with heads high, ready to take on the world.
To my new friends, if you happen to stumble upon this, we wish you all the luck in the world in getting what you ultimately want, and know that like us you'll get some things wrong, but that you will make brilliant, loving parents...
NQTZ6W9QPSPC
