Adoption Timeline

We have often been asked about just how long the process can take (and of course it is in the news at the moment). In fact even though we have just completed the 3 days training there seems to be an expectation that we will sorted in no time... Not so easy i'm afraid.

So this more or less is our Adoption Timeline based on what has actually happened, what we know will happen or (at the end) what we expect/hope to happen...

Mar/April | Final IVF attempt failed so decided Adoption is for us
May | Gathered information about agencies
June | Went to Adoption information evening
July |
August | Preliminary meeting with care worker
September |
October | Invited to Apply to be Adopters + Application Accepted
November | 3 days Adoption Training Meetings with Workers
December | Meetings with Workers
January | Meetings with Workers
February | Day 4 of Adoption Training Meetings with Workers
March | Meetings with Workers
April |--------------------------------------------------------
May | Sometime during April-August 2012 expect to go in front
June | of Adoption Panel to be recommended to become Adopters.
July | Once confirmed the child matching process will begin.
August |--------------------------------------------------------

After the matching process has started then it will take as long as it has to to find the correct match - this can be anywhere from a few months to over a year.

Adoption Training - Day 3 pt2

The issue of Contact (raised in pt1 below) is obviously very emotive...  I will be honest and say that this was the biggest area that 'worried' us from the time of the information evening back in Early Summer up until now.  You suddenly become very possessive over something that you haven't even got yet and your human nature of wanting to turn around to birth parents and say 'you broke them, we're trying to fix them and do what you couldn't so why the hell should you have ANYTHING to do with them' is pretty understandable (if a somewhat unflattering use of words).

Being honest again, we felt a little like this when we started out on Wednesday.

I think now though we feel somewhat different... and i think the main reason you feel different is because in a couple of the exercises we did you get to see things, if not exactly from the Birth Parents perspective, then at least as a fly on a wall in their lives.

While the cases in the exercises are fictional scenarios, they are based on truth... how someone who possibly had been in the care system themselves, or maybe on the fringes of it, or just unlucky in childhood can end up in situations, often the same situations that their parents had been in, suddenly seems so easy... plus also how those situations can spiral out of control without being realised.

Probably the saddest thing I heard over the three days was that at least two seperate care workers actually said that they have either dealt with or are now dealing with the children of cases they dealt with 20-25 years ago, which is both shocking and heart breaking in equal measure... Plus it is a shameful indictment of our society (PLEASE don't get me started on the politics of it all or we will be here for days!!!).

I don't think that you pity the Birth Family as such, but you do develop a level of empathy, which i realise to someone outside of this soap opera may seem strange.  In a lot of cases they are not bad people, they have just been victims of unfortunate circumstances, which often are not of their making or that they have control over.  The really sad part for them is that in almost all cases they will probably never get 100% out of them.

So, to answer the questions from the previous blog, while we don't know how we would feel about a face to face meeting (which would only be a situation if the circumstances were acceptable, so no abuse etc) the rest we are much more comfortable with than we were.  The ironic thing is that the hearsay has told us that often it's the Birth Families who, even after agreeing to the face to face meeting, don't bother turning up!!!

You could of course avoid all these issues by simply not mentioning anything about being adopted at all (if the child is young enough) and i am sure that for some couple the 'ignorance is bliss' route must be tempting... wrong, but tempting none the less  (we were even told that a long, long time ago this was actually the advice given to adoptive parents!!!)

On to more happier things... once matched, one thing that helps both the adopters and, if they are old enough, the child, are what are called Life Story books.  For us these would be a series of reports etc about the child and possible something from the child itself.  For the child, they get a book that tries to explain about their 'Tummy Mummy', explaining adoption in as simple a way as possible and to help to introduce the new parents.  Us, as adoptive parents, would also help with this with words and pictures perhaps about their new home, their bedroom, the swings in the local park and of course not forgetting Mr Tippz and our two cats... and our birds... and the fish... 

After the mind games of Contact issues came the chance to meet two real-life adopters.  This was like a release valve going off as after 2½ days of what at times was heavy going was just great to hear all their stories. 

Confession time - it was during these chats that it was my time to almost get all gushy when one of the ladies explaining the matching process said 'i read the profile and then looked at a photo of this child lying down on their elbows, head resting in their hands and I just knew they were the one'... i think the longing to have that feeling myself was just one emotion too much for me after such an intense few days (plus my eyes had been prickly and sore all morning etc etc etc).

Being boring for a second, i actually feel this training has raised some serious points... the most basic of which is that all five of us actually felt more qualified to raise children now than none adoptive parents awaiting their first child.  I don't mean that to sound pompous in anyway, and i will try to explain more in future.

In summary, the workers were fantastic, not the ogres that they are often made out to be on TV or in the media, and they helped us all on every level.  None of us had any complaints and we all walked out of there after three days with heads high, ready to take on the world.

To my new friends, if you happen to stumble upon this, we wish you all the luck in the world in getting what you ultimately want, and know that like us you'll get some things wrong, but that you will make brilliant, loving parents...

NQTZ6W9QPSPC

Adoption Training - Day 2

Second day of adoption training started with understanding what is in someones name, and how, despite everything else, it is the one single thing that is yours.  You can lose your safety nets, you can lose your family, you can lose you home, you can lose everything that is important to you, but you still are you and you still have your name... I would never have thought of wanting to change a childs christian name, though apparantly there are some that do.

One particular exercise caused certain discomfort when you had to write something very personal and potentially revealling which was then put in other peoples hands. It was all designed to explain trust and responsibiliy etc... pretty intense for all of us really, so more than others.

A couple of case studies and lunch later and we are on to the (so called) joy of parenting... though this did turn a bit into 'Steven gets the Powerpoint Presentation to work' :-) ... just like at work!!!

It was to try and explain that things that may be taken for granted in a normal household can all create negative emotions for adopted children (depending on each case naturally) - for example, a situation where there is shouting going on could be interpreted as the 1st stage of violence to them (shouting to pushing to fighting to violence) or large groups of people, like a party for example, to an adoptive child could be seen as an upcoming period of neglect (esp if in the past it involved drink or drug abuse).

Even harder can be normal situations (to us) like meal times that either may have been either non exsistant to a child previously or, conversely, could be all to familiar and recognised by a child as being the first stage of violence (ie mum makes tea, dad thinks its rubbish, throws it around, much shouting... you can work the rest out).

Good news is we have our appointed worker now, and the first visit is next week, so the ball is rolling a bit faster now.

Sorry if this seems a bit dis-jointed but it's quite tiring and i'm about to fall asleep at my keyboard

Nighty night xx


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Adoption Training - Day 1

Dissapointed that only five people are doing the training.  Still, five is better than none i guess...

(are you listening Mr Cameron??? you simply won't get more children out of the care system until you have more people interested in Adoption in the first place... so incentivise it... make it worth peoples while so they are more willing to invite someone potentially less than perfect into their ideal little familes).

So, we learned about theoretical cases and how no two situations are the same.

Just as important was learning about the emotional bond that occurs and how these foundations are important for all children. Yes it's obvious stuff, but sometimes it takes someone stating the obvious to make you realise it.

Played with bricks in the afternoon, making developmental walls, showing how the odd missing part of development doesn't cause a disaster for a child, but how the total breakdown of their early life and leave it's footprint for years.

On a personal level, the biggest thing for me today was actually looking at the profiles of some of the real-life children looking to be placed for the first time - i just haven't been able to bring my self to do this so far :-)

So, all in all a good, though tiring day.
Now got some homework and forms to fill in for tomorrow...

Now all I need to do is just find my driving licence so i can complete the forms...

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Let's Go Round Again

OK, so I have been planning on updating this for weeks...
Updating on the last, failed IVF cycle and so on...

But i haven't got round to it...

So l planned on doing it this week before we start the Adoption Programme...
Showing my hopes for a new start...
But i didn't...

So now it's the night before it starts, and i still can't be bothered...

I really want to do it as i know i will regret it later...

But maybe it's just the finality of it all - the realisation that one dream is not going to end as i want it to...

Or maybe just with 12 months of crap at work involving idiot managers, going into administration, uncertainty or future, producing information to prove to prospective buyers that my friends and colleagues are worth employing, bad weather, idiot administrators, new idiot owners, old managers suddenly leaving at a moments notice, more work uncertainty, working for useless fools who don't know how to run holiday parks, seeing friends getting even more bogged down, working with people who if they had brains they would dangerous, losing even more friends and having to put a brave face on working for the most customer unfriendly, cold-hearted bunch of fools who ever walked the face of the planet has just worn me down to the point i just don't care any more.

No, it's defiantly the first... though the second lot hasn't helped.  Through the toughest 18 or so months of my home life I've had to contend with this as well, and as i go into yet another 'most important week of my life' it still looms over me like a big black cloud.

So thank you to my friends for keeping me sane, and for their help and encouragement over the past few months.  You know who you are and you are all very special xxx

I know I've been a moody sod, especially when certain conversations are taking place in the office... sorry but i just can't help it.  Having to llisten to an hour of mindless baby chat in a morning really doesn't help my mood, but i should probably stop being so self centred and selfish...

On second thoughts, why the hell should I stop?